The spins gave me clarity.

"I'm not going. I don't want to go, I don't need to go, I just want to stay here..." I repeated this for weeks, before embarking on my first cruise. I was going on a ship in the middle of the ocean without a phone, which if you know me is a BIG deal. The cruise was for work which sounds nice, but to me sounded miserable. The anxiety of preparing, packing, traveling, sailing... knowing that I would get sick was just not worth it for me. I had this worry hanging over my head, and this uneasiness lingering in my stomach. My first night on the ship I actually wrote down the sentence, "I have never felt so alone."


Being on a "work" trip, I had also prepared myself for a grip of speakers to come up and present their products and or services within their company. Oh, joy. Side note, you can feel the ship moving when you are on a cruise by the way. See, the negativity was just everywhere! The further the ship got, the largest my anxiety grew, and the more I started to notice that I had the spins.

I was sitting in the front row, the first day of the conference listening to one of the speakers and she had all of us stand up and repeat after her, 'I am willing to explore the possibility that I may not live up to my expectations, and that in order to accept myself, I need to accomplish everything. I am willing to explore the possibility that I may not be able to do everything that I say I am going to. BUT, I am willing to love and accept myself anyway, and I am willing to remember that I am enough, just as I am.' She paused, the room remained silent and I stood there, like I had just been slapped across the face. My heart had become heavy and I felt this ache crawling up, almost as if I was going to cry. You know that feeling when you try to hold back from crying and it bottles up right at the base of your throat, that was happening. Why? She barely said anything... Why was I so upset? And right then I realized, maybe I haven't been accepting myself. Maybe I haven't been ok with who I was. Maybe, I needed to be here.

All week, we were surrounded by some of the most successful business men and women from all parts of the world. One underlying message seemed to keep resurfacing throughout the week and that was about finding your passion, finding your purpose in life and not being afraid to reach for it. Have I been reaching? No, I've just been worrying about this and that and this and that, about nothing that really matters, consumed by things that most of the time never even happen. I have been afraid. Worried. Doubtful.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly which moment made the biggest impression on me, because after that day on my trip, everyday was completely life changing. People I have never met, sharing their stories, their struggles, their triumphs and tribulations. People who came from all over the world to make a difference. In Honduras, in Belize, in Cozumel, in me.

We spent one of the days in Honduras hanging out with children from a day care center, from orphanages, from the local shelter houses. It was so incredible to feel the love that was pumping into my life that day. Kids everywhere, so thankful, and so happy to have us there. Have I been reaching out? No, I've just been complaining about this and that, and being ungrateful. Ungrateful for my life, ungrateful for the opportunity to even be with such amazing people.

I was beyond touched and moved by this experience that all I could do was cry. I was so thankful that I went on this trip, that I was a part of this journey, part of the difference. God is so good. I have been blessed with this incredible life, and even though I may not feel like I am doing it all right, or accepting myself for falling short of my expectations... I know that there is something so much bigger going on inside of me. As we pulled up to the port the last morning of the cruise through the fog, I crossed off that sentence... and I said out loud,  I have never felt so loved.

Empathy

After hearing upsetting news from a friend today, I was paralyzed with fear, sadness, worry and heartbreak. It was so out of the ordinary for me, to feel what she felt, almost as if her pain was my pain. I was at work, staring at my keyboard completely unaware of the time, my schedule, the deadlines, when it came over me. I have always heard at church that speech about "Jesus tugging on your heart" or some rendition of that... but never really had a personal connection with those words, until today. It was such a foreign concept to me that I almost tried to avoid it or somehow find a way to think about something else, be anywhere else.

Then it happened, like a sea of warmth coming over my whole body, I let myself feel. I wept. I just completely let go and let that 'tugging' on my heart take over. I prayed and thanked God for my life, for her life, and all of the meaning that he has given it. I have been so ungrateful, full of selfishness, and have taken everything I have been given for granted. My heart was breaking for the struggle of a friend and my heart was breaking because I realized that I have lost touch with the greatest love of all.

Naturally, when anything spiritual arises in my life, I call mom. She seems to know what to say and how to handle things, and sure enough she did. She told me that she prays for me everyday, and that she is proud of me, and I cried. She knew exactly what I was feeling–empathy. I told her that I felt like my life hasn't been the greatest example of how to live it the "Christian" way. I told her it was the first time I felt like someone was put in my life for a reason. The first time I felt that 'tugging' on my heart, and I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was such a blessing, much needed. A refreshing feeling, consuming me... and at the end of the day all I could think about was how I want to live with a heart of compassion, a heart full of empathy, a heart like my mother's.

Sparks

Sometimes songs are worth listening to multiple times. Especially the ones that take you back, to that place where you danced, where you laughed, where you told yourself you could never be happier except for in that moment. And then some songs are so impressionable, that listening to them should be rare. Because these are the ones that gave your life a melody, a ebb and flow. Similar to pulling out old memorabilia and pictures from your past, this you do every so often to remind yourself where you came from, and or what you've been through.

Similarly, some love is worth fighting for multiple times. Especially the kind that takes you back, to that place where you first spoke, where you smiled, where you told yourself you never thought this would happen. And then some love is so impressionable, that having it was rare. Because these are the ones that gave your life melody, a ebb and flow.

Tonight's repeat is Sparks–Coldplay.

Trapped in Blessings.

My 95' Nissan Maxima, which all of my family and friends call the 'maxipad' is a joke. A couple years ago, the radio/cd screen stopped working, so I unfortunately have to guess which station and or song I am listening to all. the. time. While parked at an intersection one day with my cousin, the side review mirror just fell off, popped right off onto the ground and I couldn't even get out to pick it up because I was laughing so hard. I also remember driving through a jack in the box one night with some friends, and my driver side window just stopped rolling down, needless to say we ordered from the back seat. A couple of times my little trooper has just completely crapped out on me. "Oh, hey car... sure go ahead and stop working on me, I didn't need to go anywhere anyways." I vividly remember almost starting on fire at a red light one time too. The gentleman next to me rolled down his window yelling "You're car is smoking", my response, "Yeah, I know, it does that." The windows no longer roll down, and the music will only play once I hit 70mph, which rarely happens considering my commute is about 12 mintues on a main road. Every time I have to go anywhere, I dread taking this thing. I'd almost rather ride a bicycle (seriously considering it).

Yesterday I had to go run some errands. I made it about .2 miles before my back was sweating. I was hitting every. single. stoplight. and when your only source of airflow is the sunroof you start to lose your mind. I was trapped, in 95 degree heat with a smoking car, awesome. I was so mad, I seriously contemplated running myself off the road just so I could get out! It wasn't until I saw a young woman wearing no shoes, carrying pretty much everything she owned, walking along the stopped traffic. Then it hit me. I have a car! I am such a complainer, and I should be thankful that 330,000 miles later my maxipad is still holding up! It was then I made a decision. I could continue to be mad, or I could change my attitude. Getting mad doesn't help anything, doesn't change anything, and wasn't going to do anything but bring me down. So, instead I was thankful, and smiled because having a car in THIS condition, that stills runs... is rare.

Dream Come True

When I was little, I had this obsession with New York City. I wanted to be older, wear a pencil skirt with matching blazer and walk myself to my magazine office on the 34th floor. There's just something about the scrubbing of suits jackets and high heels clanking along the dirty streets, resounding hum of busses and taxis, the lights, the way it looks so free and giving to the average individual, I wanted that life so bad.

I used to pretend that I was walking down the streets of Manhattan, coffee in hand, on my way to the office on the sidewalk outside of my parents house, while holding my make-shift briefcase, (which was an old board game at the time). My parents probably thought I was such a weirdo, but then again not much has changed. I always told myself that someday I'd go to New York, but that's kind of like saying "I wouldn't need anyone to push me out of the plane if I ever went skydiving". Sometimes in life you need a little push. A little motivation to say that the 'someday' is today, and that your imagination can become a reality if you just go. So, I went! [Of course having a job that takes you on a trip to New York is a plus]

I am so thankful for this opportunity, I'm never moving home.

An Unexpected Surprise

Every single time I watch a movie that I really like, its permanently placed into my thoughts for the following 2 hours. It. Never. Fails. If you ever have the opportunity to go to the movies with me, don't plan on talking to me afterwards. I become so emotionally attached to the movie... as if it is my life. This is not a problem. I enjoy that time, because it makes me feel something, it forces me to feel what I was not before. It gives me a reason to forget about my life for a little bit. It makes me want to change, be better, be more.

Coming home, I was surprised with an envelope that had been placed on my doorstep. The first sentence was like rubbing alcohol on an open wound, lemon juice in my eye, salt on a snail. A dagger, better yet a reminder. I read it all knowing exactly what it was going to say in a round-a-bout way. There was something inside the envelope too, I knew exactly what it was but I didn't even want to take it out, I wanted to sit for at least 2 hours and think about him and the love that we had. The love that was permanently placed into my thoughts. The love that makes me feel what I was not before, that makes me want to change, be better, be more. The love that I gave, and so freely let go of. A love that had a 'lifetime impression' on him...

Sooner or later you forget about the movies you've seen. The things you felt. The time you spent thinking about how you felt. Sooner or later you'll come to the realization that it is a movie, things like that never happen in real life... or in my case maybe they do.

Crafty & Drafty

Moving down the hall, to the larger room in my house, [when our roommate moved out] didn't sound like too much trouble. But then I got this weird urge to change the entire layout of my room. Change the colors on the wall, the space between my bed and the window, the color scheme of my bedding, the amount of distance from the door to my desk... everything. 

It took me a week just to figure out how I wanted to place everything in my room... and lots of help to make my very own headboard inspired by All Things Thrifty, which might I add looks spectacular for a first timer.

After moving all of my things, 

re-arranging, throwing away old stuff that I have been holding onto for years thinking that I'll someday use [which you never do], opening old memories, I suddenly realized, I am currently in a state of metamorphosis, transformation, and change. Not just because I moved all my stuff a couple feet down the hall, but because I am opening myself up to different. Colors I wouldn't normally wear, shoes I wouldn't normally buy. STUFF I wouldn't normally create.

I want to do things that are fun, innovative, creative, things that inspire, things that are full of passion and purpose,

things that make people to move to a different seat at their dinner table.