A boy, a job, and a burrito.

Selfishness entered my mind last week. It came in, took over and consumed me. Reminiscent on my journey into entrepreneurship, business, and growth over these recent years I have found myself having an internal struggle surrounding what I want, in comparison to what I should or shouldn't be doing. An internal struggle that screams selfish. For example, I want to take an hour lunch break everyday and go to the gym. I want to wake up in the morning and write music. I used to crave writing music, and now I feel like it has become more of a chore, something that I have to schedule in order for it to happen and even then, it gets put off because of, let's just say it gets. put. off. I want to wine and dine at least once a week. I want to install AC in my room, you seriously have no idea how muggy it is in this adorable beach house. I want to be taken seriously by fellow successful business colleagues. I want to be loved by someone who loves me, for me, and not for what I can 'give' them. Someone who wants intense, aggressive, deeply moved me. I want to be a better example to my siblings. I want to be better, everyday. Is it too much to ask? Am I being selfish for wanting these things?

I wonder when being selfless starts to kick in... is it an age thing? Or, will we always struggle to be less focused on self and more centered on others, because that is the right thing to do? For me, I think that being selfish has brought me a lesson. I think that being selfish ultimately leads to being self-less, at least this is what I am currently experiencing.

There was this boy. I wanted for so long to be with him, then I wanted him to apologize, and then I wanted things to go back to the way they were in college. When staying up till the morning was normal, macaroni and cheese was a nice meal, and being absolutely crazy obsessed with each other was annoying to other people. I wanted that. But life didn't care about what I wanted, it just happened. It unfolded so quickly and so strangely that I was yet again revisited by selfishness, wanting to feel good around him, loved by him, satisfied that he was everything I wanted, and still had.

There is this job. An incredibly powerful, life altering, emotionally draining job that makes me want to get buck wild on the weekends to unwind from the dreadful time spent looking at my computer screen. Somedays I just don't want to get up and go deal with the overwhelm, somedays I feel like I need more recognition for my efforts, more compensation for my tolerance. I want to not feel so much pressure. I just want to not worry. But working as the President, still goes to show that selfishness lingers. I still want so much.

Then there is Chipotle. My brother and I were meeting to catch up over burritos, and I wanted to bail. I wanted to go home, relax and just eat alone. I didn't want to talk about anything with him. This is probably because I knew deep down I was avoiding a conversation that had been laid on my heart for a while. Then I put myself in his shoes, and thought if I had an older sister I would have wanted her to make an effort in my life, take time to be there for me because she wanted to. Do things for me and with me just because, she loved me. I made it a couple bites and started to say the words, "I want to apologize..." it was almost immediate that tears were falling into my chicken burrito. I have been so consumed with myself, that I haven't been able to tend to the needs of my own brother. Where have I been? Has selfishness sucked me in for that long? I felt sad, and hurt that I haven't been there for him over the years. I cried, and he held my hand. I told him that lately I cry about everything... and I don't even know why. He responded and said, "Emily, you are being broken, and your heart is softening". Words that I needed. Words that reminded me that being self-less was something I need more of. Something we all need more of.

When you are selfless you let go, and allow your heart to guide your life. You love more, love bigger. You are better. Because it doesn't matter if I loved that boy, landed that job, or was an older sister. What mattered was that I was changing, opening up to the world, welcoming self-less-ness into my breaking and softening heart.