The spins gave me clarity.

"I'm not going. I don't want to go, I don't need to go, I just want to stay here..." I repeated this for weeks, before embarking on my first cruise. I was going on a ship in the middle of the ocean without a phone, which if you know me is a BIG deal. The cruise was for work which sounds nice, but to me sounded miserable. The anxiety of preparing, packing, traveling, sailing... knowing that I would get sick was just not worth it for me. I had this worry hanging over my head, and this uneasiness lingering in my stomach. My first night on the ship I actually wrote down the sentence, "I have never felt so alone."


Being on a "work" trip, I had also prepared myself for a grip of speakers to come up and present their products and or services within their company. Oh, joy. Side note, you can feel the ship moving when you are on a cruise by the way. See, the negativity was just everywhere! The further the ship got, the largest my anxiety grew, and the more I started to notice that I had the spins.

I was sitting in the front row, the first day of the conference listening to one of the speakers and she had all of us stand up and repeat after her, 'I am willing to explore the possibility that I may not live up to my expectations, and that in order to accept myself, I need to accomplish everything. I am willing to explore the possibility that I may not be able to do everything that I say I am going to. BUT, I am willing to love and accept myself anyway, and I am willing to remember that I am enough, just as I am.' She paused, the room remained silent and I stood there, like I had just been slapped across the face. My heart had become heavy and I felt this ache crawling up, almost as if I was going to cry. You know that feeling when you try to hold back from crying and it bottles up right at the base of your throat, that was happening. Why? She barely said anything... Why was I so upset? And right then I realized, maybe I haven't been accepting myself. Maybe I haven't been ok with who I was. Maybe, I needed to be here.

All week, we were surrounded by some of the most successful business men and women from all parts of the world. One underlying message seemed to keep resurfacing throughout the week and that was about finding your passion, finding your purpose in life and not being afraid to reach for it. Have I been reaching? No, I've just been worrying about this and that and this and that, about nothing that really matters, consumed by things that most of the time never even happen. I have been afraid. Worried. Doubtful.

It is hard to pinpoint exactly which moment made the biggest impression on me, because after that day on my trip, everyday was completely life changing. People I have never met, sharing their stories, their struggles, their triumphs and tribulations. People who came from all over the world to make a difference. In Honduras, in Belize, in Cozumel, in me.

We spent one of the days in Honduras hanging out with children from a day care center, from orphanages, from the local shelter houses. It was so incredible to feel the love that was pumping into my life that day. Kids everywhere, so thankful, and so happy to have us there. Have I been reaching out? No, I've just been complaining about this and that, and being ungrateful. Ungrateful for my life, ungrateful for the opportunity to even be with such amazing people.

I was beyond touched and moved by this experience that all I could do was cry. I was so thankful that I went on this trip, that I was a part of this journey, part of the difference. God is so good. I have been blessed with this incredible life, and even though I may not feel like I am doing it all right, or accepting myself for falling short of my expectations... I know that there is something so much bigger going on inside of me. As we pulled up to the port the last morning of the cruise through the fog, I crossed off that sentence... and I said out loud,  I have never felt so loved.