Master Bedroom

There used to be a large bed here, along with an dated doll cabinet that shelved old memories and photographs of us. There usually were clothes on the floor, and plenty of jewelry scattered around... which more often than not I took upon myself to borrow. Most days came and went and no time was spent in this place, but it wasn't the time or the fact that there was "stuff" in this room. It was her.

When I finally convinced her to move out with me (almost 5 years ago) I remember thinking we have never been so close. Every year we normally would see each other for holidays, and birthdays, the typical family gatherings. Most summers were spent together for our birthdays, and every time we would be with one another it was like we never left... but all too suddenly the birthdays came and went and the summers got shorter and shorter. When the opportunity came up for us to move in together, we grabbed it. Life took over each of us individually, and even though she was next to my wall at one point, across the house, and even down the hall, I feel like we missed a lot. Because you never look at things that you have, and truly appreciate them until they are gone. Until they are missing... and there is an emptiness where they used to be.

There used to be a large bed here, along with an dated doll cabinet that shelved old memories and photographs of us... there used to be a warmth in here, my best friend used. to. be. here. Now all I can see is empty, and the night keeps on reminding me that she left.

Cap & Gown

I remember my Dad telling me that I was going to snap my fingers and it would all be over... and before I knew it, it was, over. College wasn't easy, and eating spaghetti and macaroni and cheese every night wasn't  exactly my    idea of a healthy diet, but when your taking 18 unites and working two jobs there isn't much time for cooking.

People say college is the 'best years of your life'... Staying up all night writing countless papers, reading monotonous material that will be completely useless in the future, being the only person to defend my opinion in a 200 person lecture hall, and giving up a social life to maintain a higher education was NOT the best years of my life. I have never felt so challenged and so depleted. People often ask me, "How did you do it?", my response is always simple, I'm a fighter. I was dedicated to being the first person in my family to graduate college with a Bachelors degree, finish with good grades, and receive my diploma, debt free. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with an amazing and supportive family, influential and encouraging friends, and unforgettable relationships that kept me strong throughout my years at Cal State. Because my belief that God would guide and direct my life... I was able to keep my sanity. The best years of my life are still to come and I am ready to eagerly embrace it all.

I'm not going where a certain path might lead, I'm making my own path and leaving a trail.

I promise to choose the very best in life, to hold onto my dreams, believe in my ideas, and follow the voice in my heart.

I promise to always choose what makes me happiest, because I deserve it, and God has wished upon me all of the joy in the world.

"...Continue to reverence the Lord all the time, for surely you have a wonderful future ahead of you..." 
[Proverbs 23:17]

Within These Moments

I listened to Rascal Flatts 'What Hurts The Most' on repeat for months after I broke up with my first boyfriend. Couldn't talk, couldn't eat, didn't want anything, but him back. I felt so lost and unwanted, my heart was broken and I was weak. I remember I cried and cried until my eyes were so puffed up that I could no longer keep them open, my head would be pounding so hard from my sobbing, and I would eventually dose off in exhaustion. Some nights I would get into bed and pray to God that it could somehow workout, that my parents would be more approving, that he would grow up, that I would run into him somewhere, just to have his eyes meet mine. I was so emotionally depleted and upset to have lost someone that I cared about that much. Naturally, I was drawn to sad, slow, depressing country music. [Like most teenagers my age who had experienced a heartbreak] I would stare at myself in the mirror and cry watching every single tear that would fall down my face as if they were my ticket to recovery.

This is a feeling I have become all too familiar with these days. I am 17 all over again, lost, unwanted, broken hearted, and weak. Each day is a struggle, and losing people that have made lasting impressions in your life is never easy. BUT, it is necessary. It is moments like this that give you hope for change. Keep you steadfast. Show you that deep within yourself there is a love much greater than what any individual has ever given you. It is a 'good hurt', and a painful, yet rewarding road. I have never ran so hard and for so long in my entire life, except within these moments. The best music I have ever written is within these moments, and the most satisfied I have ever been spiritually is within. these. moments.

This quote always fills me with hope...
  
 "Send them love and light every time you think of them, then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of them because then you'll be really alone... If you clear out all that space in your head that you're using right now to obsess about this person, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot, – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in, God will rush in and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed... Let it go." Eat, Pray, Love–Elizabeth Gilbert

Wall Buddies

Some days are better than others, and some memories are worth re-living over and over and over. [Like my birthday trip to Las Vegas with an amazing group of ladies]. Some relationships are founded upon friendship, and others upon convenience, and then some are founded because God knows that they will serve a greater purpose in your life. When I look back upon the friendships I have made, people I have met, people I have lived with, I realize that it is hard finding people who can really BE there, and LISTEN. Even if I have nothing to say... and just want to feel like someone is right beside me. I don't need someone to tell me how to live my life, just someone to listen to how I have been living it. Some memories remind me that those people do exist, have I just been oblivious? Others are more apparent to me, and maybe that is because I realize that those people are still here, just a wall away.

Arms Open Wide

I woke up this morning and went to church... which to be honest, isn't always my first choice when I could sleep in. I sat alone, which again isn't my first choice, but my parents managed to be sick together. I sat in my usual row, shook hands with a couple of strangers and sat awaiting the sound. The sound that always reminds me that it doesn't matter if I would rather sleep in, or that I am sitting alone, the sound that reminds me that life is worth it. The one note that makes my heart smile, and my eyes fall shut because I know that every word I sing is for Him.
Today was one of those Sundays when you take the long way. Find a road you didn't know existed and hope it leads you somewhere unexpected. I ended up at the coast, not exactly unexpected, but it was somewhere that I knew would bring me peace. All I kept thinking about were those notes, that song, this morning and how it resonated with my soul.
♫♪.'What can I say, what can I do? But offer this heart O God, completely to you...woah here I stand arms open wide, woah I am yours and you are mine.'♫♪.

What are the chances?

When you think all of yourself is focused on being in the moment, somehow your brain manages to take you elsewhere. It is easily put like this... when people say don't think about it [could be anything] what do you do? You end up thinking about it. And when you don't want to run into that 'someone', it just so happens that they had the same idea as you, for that same day, in that exact spot, at that exact time. Coincidence? Some people think that these moments are defining... that they serve some purpose, or are meant to point you in a specific direction. I think that we place value on these happenings because we can. If I want to believe that running into someone means something, I will. If I want to believe that there is some purpose behind why things like this happen, I will. No matter how many people tell you... it is still YOU fighting with yourself, trying to determine what it all means. Don't think about it Emily. Don't think about it. And I am still thinking about it. All that was on my mind was hurt and a couple of rocks couldn't have said it better.