Empathy

After hearing upsetting news from a friend today, I was paralyzed with fear, sadness, worry and heartbreak. It was so out of the ordinary for me, to feel what she felt, almost as if her pain was my pain. I was at work, staring at my keyboard completely unaware of the time, my schedule, the deadlines, when it came over me. I have always heard at church that speech about "Jesus tugging on your heart" or some rendition of that... but never really had a personal connection with those words, until today. It was such a foreign concept to me that I almost tried to avoid it or somehow find a way to think about something else, be anywhere else.

Then it happened, like a sea of warmth coming over my whole body, I let myself feel. I wept. I just completely let go and let that 'tugging' on my heart take over. I prayed and thanked God for my life, for her life, and all of the meaning that he has given it. I have been so ungrateful, full of selfishness, and have taken everything I have been given for granted. My heart was breaking for the struggle of a friend and my heart was breaking because I realized that I have lost touch with the greatest love of all.

Naturally, when anything spiritual arises in my life, I call mom. She seems to know what to say and how to handle things, and sure enough she did. She told me that she prays for me everyday, and that she is proud of me, and I cried. She knew exactly what I was feeling–empathy. I told her that I felt like my life hasn't been the greatest example of how to live it the "Christian" way. I told her it was the first time I felt like someone was put in my life for a reason. The first time I felt that 'tugging' on my heart, and I was overwhelmed with emotion. It was such a blessing, much needed. A refreshing feeling, consuming me... and at the end of the day all I could think about was how I want to live with a heart of compassion, a heart full of empathy, a heart like my mother's.

Sparks

Sometimes songs are worth listening to multiple times. Especially the ones that take you back, to that place where you danced, where you laughed, where you told yourself you could never be happier except for in that moment. And then some songs are so impressionable, that listening to them should be rare. Because these are the ones that gave your life a melody, a ebb and flow. Similar to pulling out old memorabilia and pictures from your past, this you do every so often to remind yourself where you came from, and or what you've been through.

Similarly, some love is worth fighting for multiple times. Especially the kind that takes you back, to that place where you first spoke, where you smiled, where you told yourself you never thought this would happen. And then some love is so impressionable, that having it was rare. Because these are the ones that gave your life melody, a ebb and flow.

Tonight's repeat is Sparks–Coldplay.

Trapped in Blessings.

My 95' Nissan Maxima, which all of my family and friends call the 'maxipad' is a joke. A couple years ago, the radio/cd screen stopped working, so I unfortunately have to guess which station and or song I am listening to all. the. time. While parked at an intersection one day with my cousin, the side review mirror just fell off, popped right off onto the ground and I couldn't even get out to pick it up because I was laughing so hard. I also remember driving through a jack in the box one night with some friends, and my driver side window just stopped rolling down, needless to say we ordered from the back seat. A couple of times my little trooper has just completely crapped out on me. "Oh, hey car... sure go ahead and stop working on me, I didn't need to go anywhere anyways." I vividly remember almost starting on fire at a red light one time too. The gentleman next to me rolled down his window yelling "You're car is smoking", my response, "Yeah, I know, it does that." The windows no longer roll down, and the music will only play once I hit 70mph, which rarely happens considering my commute is about 12 mintues on a main road. Every time I have to go anywhere, I dread taking this thing. I'd almost rather ride a bicycle (seriously considering it).

Yesterday I had to go run some errands. I made it about .2 miles before my back was sweating. I was hitting every. single. stoplight. and when your only source of airflow is the sunroof you start to lose your mind. I was trapped, in 95 degree heat with a smoking car, awesome. I was so mad, I seriously contemplated running myself off the road just so I could get out! It wasn't until I saw a young woman wearing no shoes, carrying pretty much everything she owned, walking along the stopped traffic. Then it hit me. I have a car! I am such a complainer, and I should be thankful that 330,000 miles later my maxipad is still holding up! It was then I made a decision. I could continue to be mad, or I could change my attitude. Getting mad doesn't help anything, doesn't change anything, and wasn't going to do anything but bring me down. So, instead I was thankful, and smiled because having a car in THIS condition, that stills runs... is rare.

Dream Come True

When I was little, I had this obsession with New York City. I wanted to be older, wear a pencil skirt with matching blazer and walk myself to my magazine office on the 34th floor. There's just something about the scrubbing of suits jackets and high heels clanking along the dirty streets, resounding hum of busses and taxis, the lights, the way it looks so free and giving to the average individual, I wanted that life so bad.

I used to pretend that I was walking down the streets of Manhattan, coffee in hand, on my way to the office on the sidewalk outside of my parents house, while holding my make-shift briefcase, (which was an old board game at the time). My parents probably thought I was such a weirdo, but then again not much has changed. I always told myself that someday I'd go to New York, but that's kind of like saying "I wouldn't need anyone to push me out of the plane if I ever went skydiving". Sometimes in life you need a little push. A little motivation to say that the 'someday' is today, and that your imagination can become a reality if you just go. So, I went! [Of course having a job that takes you on a trip to New York is a plus]

I am so thankful for this opportunity, I'm never moving home.

An Unexpected Surprise

Every single time I watch a movie that I really like, its permanently placed into my thoughts for the following 2 hours. It. Never. Fails. If you ever have the opportunity to go to the movies with me, don't plan on talking to me afterwards. I become so emotionally attached to the movie... as if it is my life. This is not a problem. I enjoy that time, because it makes me feel something, it forces me to feel what I was not before. It gives me a reason to forget about my life for a little bit. It makes me want to change, be better, be more.

Coming home, I was surprised with an envelope that had been placed on my doorstep. The first sentence was like rubbing alcohol on an open wound, lemon juice in my eye, salt on a snail. A dagger, better yet a reminder. I read it all knowing exactly what it was going to say in a round-a-bout way. There was something inside the envelope too, I knew exactly what it was but I didn't even want to take it out, I wanted to sit for at least 2 hours and think about him and the love that we had. The love that was permanently placed into my thoughts. The love that makes me feel what I was not before, that makes me want to change, be better, be more. The love that I gave, and so freely let go of. A love that had a 'lifetime impression' on him...

Sooner or later you forget about the movies you've seen. The things you felt. The time you spent thinking about how you felt. Sooner or later you'll come to the realization that it is a movie, things like that never happen in real life... or in my case maybe they do.

Crafty & Drafty

Moving down the hall, to the larger room in my house, [when our roommate moved out] didn't sound like too much trouble. But then I got this weird urge to change the entire layout of my room. Change the colors on the wall, the space between my bed and the window, the color scheme of my bedding, the amount of distance from the door to my desk... everything. 

It took me a week just to figure out how I wanted to place everything in my room... and lots of help to make my very own headboard inspired by All Things Thrifty, which might I add looks spectacular for a first timer.

After moving all of my things, 

re-arranging, throwing away old stuff that I have been holding onto for years thinking that I'll someday use [which you never do], opening old memories, I suddenly realized, I am currently in a state of metamorphosis, transformation, and change. Not just because I moved all my stuff a couple feet down the hall, but because I am opening myself up to different. Colors I wouldn't normally wear, shoes I wouldn't normally buy. STUFF I wouldn't normally create.

I want to do things that are fun, innovative, creative, things that inspire, things that are full of passion and purpose,

things that make people to move to a different seat at their dinner table.

Master Bedroom

There used to be a large bed here, along with an dated doll cabinet that shelved old memories and photographs of us. There usually were clothes on the floor, and plenty of jewelry scattered around... which more often than not I took upon myself to borrow. Most days came and went and no time was spent in this place, but it wasn't the time or the fact that there was "stuff" in this room. It was her.

When I finally convinced her to move out with me (almost 5 years ago) I remember thinking we have never been so close. Every year we normally would see each other for holidays, and birthdays, the typical family gatherings. Most summers were spent together for our birthdays, and every time we would be with one another it was like we never left... but all too suddenly the birthdays came and went and the summers got shorter and shorter. When the opportunity came up for us to move in together, we grabbed it. Life took over each of us individually, and even though she was next to my wall at one point, across the house, and even down the hall, I feel like we missed a lot. Because you never look at things that you have, and truly appreciate them until they are gone. Until they are missing... and there is an emptiness where they used to be.

There used to be a large bed here, along with an dated doll cabinet that shelved old memories and photographs of us... there used to be a warmth in here, my best friend used. to. be. here. Now all I can see is empty, and the night keeps on reminding me that she left.

Cap & Gown

I remember my Dad telling me that I was going to snap my fingers and it would all be over... and before I knew it, it was, over. College wasn't easy, and eating spaghetti and macaroni and cheese every night wasn't  exactly my    idea of a healthy diet, but when your taking 18 unites and working two jobs there isn't much time for cooking.

People say college is the 'best years of your life'... Staying up all night writing countless papers, reading monotonous material that will be completely useless in the future, being the only person to defend my opinion in a 200 person lecture hall, and giving up a social life to maintain a higher education was NOT the best years of my life. I have never felt so challenged and so depleted. People often ask me, "How did you do it?", my response is always simple, I'm a fighter. I was dedicated to being the first person in my family to graduate college with a Bachelors degree, finish with good grades, and receive my diploma, debt free. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with an amazing and supportive family, influential and encouraging friends, and unforgettable relationships that kept me strong throughout my years at Cal State. Because my belief that God would guide and direct my life... I was able to keep my sanity. The best years of my life are still to come and I am ready to eagerly embrace it all.

I'm not going where a certain path might lead, I'm making my own path and leaving a trail.

I promise to choose the very best in life, to hold onto my dreams, believe in my ideas, and follow the voice in my heart.

I promise to always choose what makes me happiest, because I deserve it, and God has wished upon me all of the joy in the world.

"...Continue to reverence the Lord all the time, for surely you have a wonderful future ahead of you..." 
[Proverbs 23:17]

Within These Moments

I listened to Rascal Flatts 'What Hurts The Most' on repeat for months after I broke up with my first boyfriend. Couldn't talk, couldn't eat, didn't want anything, but him back. I felt so lost and unwanted, my heart was broken and I was weak. I remember I cried and cried until my eyes were so puffed up that I could no longer keep them open, my head would be pounding so hard from my sobbing, and I would eventually dose off in exhaustion. Some nights I would get into bed and pray to God that it could somehow workout, that my parents would be more approving, that he would grow up, that I would run into him somewhere, just to have his eyes meet mine. I was so emotionally depleted and upset to have lost someone that I cared about that much. Naturally, I was drawn to sad, slow, depressing country music. [Like most teenagers my age who had experienced a heartbreak] I would stare at myself in the mirror and cry watching every single tear that would fall down my face as if they were my ticket to recovery.

This is a feeling I have become all too familiar with these days. I am 17 all over again, lost, unwanted, broken hearted, and weak. Each day is a struggle, and losing people that have made lasting impressions in your life is never easy. BUT, it is necessary. It is moments like this that give you hope for change. Keep you steadfast. Show you that deep within yourself there is a love much greater than what any individual has ever given you. It is a 'good hurt', and a painful, yet rewarding road. I have never ran so hard and for so long in my entire life, except within these moments. The best music I have ever written is within these moments, and the most satisfied I have ever been spiritually is within. these. moments.

This quote always fills me with hope...
  
 "Send them love and light every time you think of them, then drop it. You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of them because then you'll be really alone... If you clear out all that space in your head that you're using right now to obsess about this person, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot, – a doorway. And guess what the universe will do with the doorway? It will rush in, God will rush in and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed... Let it go." Eat, Pray, Love–Elizabeth Gilbert

Wall Buddies

Some days are better than others, and some memories are worth re-living over and over and over. [Like my birthday trip to Las Vegas with an amazing group of ladies]. Some relationships are founded upon friendship, and others upon convenience, and then some are founded because God knows that they will serve a greater purpose in your life. When I look back upon the friendships I have made, people I have met, people I have lived with, I realize that it is hard finding people who can really BE there, and LISTEN. Even if I have nothing to say... and just want to feel like someone is right beside me. I don't need someone to tell me how to live my life, just someone to listen to how I have been living it. Some memories remind me that those people do exist, have I just been oblivious? Others are more apparent to me, and maybe that is because I realize that those people are still here, just a wall away.

Arms Open Wide

I woke up this morning and went to church... which to be honest, isn't always my first choice when I could sleep in. I sat alone, which again isn't my first choice, but my parents managed to be sick together. I sat in my usual row, shook hands with a couple of strangers and sat awaiting the sound. The sound that always reminds me that it doesn't matter if I would rather sleep in, or that I am sitting alone, the sound that reminds me that life is worth it. The one note that makes my heart smile, and my eyes fall shut because I know that every word I sing is for Him.
Today was one of those Sundays when you take the long way. Find a road you didn't know existed and hope it leads you somewhere unexpected. I ended up at the coast, not exactly unexpected, but it was somewhere that I knew would bring me peace. All I kept thinking about were those notes, that song, this morning and how it resonated with my soul.
♫♪.'What can I say, what can I do? But offer this heart O God, completely to you...woah here I stand arms open wide, woah I am yours and you are mine.'♫♪.

What are the chances?

When you think all of yourself is focused on being in the moment, somehow your brain manages to take you elsewhere. It is easily put like this... when people say don't think about it [could be anything] what do you do? You end up thinking about it. And when you don't want to run into that 'someone', it just so happens that they had the same idea as you, for that same day, in that exact spot, at that exact time. Coincidence? Some people think that these moments are defining... that they serve some purpose, or are meant to point you in a specific direction. I think that we place value on these happenings because we can. If I want to believe that running into someone means something, I will. If I want to believe that there is some purpose behind why things like this happen, I will. No matter how many people tell you... it is still YOU fighting with yourself, trying to determine what it all means. Don't think about it Emily. Don't think about it. And I am still thinking about it. All that was on my mind was hurt and a couple of rocks couldn't have said it better.

Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear

I have a tendency to gravitate towards things that I cannot have. I recently found myself looking back at my life, where I have been, people that have come and gone, love that has been lost. I think that somewhere inside of myself I have struggled with the idea of always having something. Whether it be self-confidence, the 'hard-to-get' attitude, the right job, or that feeling of knowing when someone is the one. It doesn't matter how independent I think I am, or how many times I tell myself that I don't need anyone, I still end up in the same situation. The best way to describe it... relationship addiction. I have always been the girl who doesn't need a guy but constantly finds herself 'in a relationship'. I am tired of always needing someone. I want to wake up tomorrow and be content with myself, content with being alone. I want to look back and say that I was exactly the person I thought I would be.
I want to speak positively, curse less, tell the truth no matter how difficult it may be. I want to be someone worth having. With every ounce of life in my body I believe that all of this will happen, and is happening, starting today. I am ready to gravitate towards the things that I do have. I am strong, and I know that the greatest love of all is still with me, every step of the way.

"And after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you."
[1 Peter 5:10]